Up until about nine months ago, I, in my naivety, truly believed that people as a whole desired to be kind to other people and treat them well. Where I live, that is just the way people are. Sure, there are people who are unkind and motivated by selfishness, but the majority of people try to be kind to others and treat others with respect.

About 9 months ago, I was on a parents social networking site–my first time ever. In one group, one woman was basically getting roasted. She was being called all sorts of mean names and being ridiculed. Thinking these women who were being rude had simply lost themselves in the comfort of hiding behind their computer, I stuck up for the lone woman and suggested we all be nice and if we couldn’t say something in a nice way, don’t say it. I pointed out that you can disagree without being rude or belittling.

I was shocked at the responses. “That is just the way I am. If she can’t handle it, she should leave.” “I am just a blunt person.” ”I have to be nice to my kids all day; I don’t want to have to be nice here too.” Those are just a few. Wow. I was shocked. I pointed out that I consider myself to be a blunt person, but you can be blunt and tactful. Nope. They weren’t having it. This was an eye opening experience for me.

I will point out that I received many personal notes applauding me and agreeing with me. A few brave souls dared to agree publicly. As I have gotten to know these women better, I see that this situation really epitomizes who they are. There are some who are always nice. There are some who just don’t care how they treat others. If they say something rude, that is the problem of other people. They have the “right” and the “freedom” to act as they choose, and it shows in their parenting and parenting advice. That isn’t acceptable to me.

On Becoming Childwise operates under the premise that the readers of the book are the sort of parents who want to instill morality and good character traits into their children. When I first read that over a year ago, I thought, “Of course, all parents would want that of their children.” Sadly, that is not the case. I learned that nine months ago.

Childwise points out that without mutual morality, your child might become a bully or a victim. I can easily see this. You can’t expect that other parents are going to be teaching their children right from wrong. You have to teach your child to have character, and you have to teach him to have it in the face of adversity. Often times to stand up for what you believe in means you are standing alone. Very few will have the courage to stand beside you, even when they agree.

Good character is attainable, but you must teach it. I believe children have an innate desire to do good, but they need direction from you to teach them what good is. Whether you intend to or not, you are the greatest influence on your child, both by what you do and what you don’t do. You have the choice and the option to raise good children. And we, who care, must stand strong and valiantly. Perhaps our children can have a positive influence over those children raised by parents who don’t think it is necessary to be moral. Each generation finds it more difficult to stand strong and adhere to the morals taught them. It was harder for us than our parents. It will be harder for our children than was for us. The difficulty seems to be growing exponentially. This only strengthens the urgency that we take an active role to teach morals to our children.

Children have four general capacities. They are found on page 66 of Childwise. They are:

• Children have physical capacities. You must provide food, shelter, clothing and encourage necessary skills for life. We also should teach them how to care for their bodies. Teach them which foods are good for the body. Teach the importance of exercise. Remember, you must lead by example.
  
• Children have intellectual capacities. You must stimulate. You must teach your child. You must teach logic and useful knowledge along with basic skills. It is really easy to go throughout the day and do what I call “surviving.” Get from sunrise to sundown with the fewest number of difficulties and conflicts. This is especially easy to do with a child who has been raised on principles of Babywise. They are good kids who generally stay out of trouble. Mom could busy herself with housework or hobbies while the kids entertain themselves. It isn’t enough to simply survive a day. We must be actively engaged in teaching our children. On Becoming Preschoolwise offers many ideas for doing this. Simple structure and routine can help you ensure your child receives the needed intellectual stimulation.
  
• Children have emotional capacities. Nurture your child’s emotional well-being. You must help your children to monitor and control emotions. We all get mad. But we work to not get mad. We try to control our tempers. We take control of our emotions. My in-laws were very good at instilling morality into their children. Brayden (my son who is 3) has a short fuse. He can go from frustrated to mad almost immediately. If he is trying to do something and doesn’t get it perfectly the first time (he is a perfectionist), he would throw the item across the room. I have worked with him on this from the age of 12 months when it first cropped up. He is much, much better about it now. I can’t even remember the last time he threw something in anger. My husband tells me he was the same way. He tells me he still works with it. The amazing thing is that I have never seen his temper. He has never even raised his voice to me. He has amazing control over his emotions. We can control our emotions, and our children can also. We also want to teach our children how to control displays of positive emotion as well.
  
• Children have moral capacities. Teach your child to internalize virtues that reflect your values and the values of society. Yes, the values of society get more fuzzy as the years pass by, but there are basic societal morals.

We must give time and attention to each of these facets. Ezzo and Buckman point out that you don’t want a smart child who cheats. I remember in high school I had a friend who was really smart. She had a perfect grade point average. We were in Chemistry together our sophomore year. She stressed over maintaining her perfect grades. In order to maintain it, she cheated. She ended up being valedictorian. Now, I am one who would have been considered smart (and I hope I still am), but I did not cheat. Yes, it was frustrating to see someone be rewarded for cheating, but I honestly felt sad for her more than anything. I went on to college where I continued to work hard and not cheat. College was not that difficult for me because I knew how to work for my knowledge. I graduated with almost a perfect grade point average, above a 3.9. I was named most outstanding graduate. My name is hanging on a plaque in my department to this day. It all paid off in the end. 

There is one of these capacities that requires more priority, or first priority. That is moral training. “Moral training provides the objectivity needed for emotions to function freely without overpowering the child” (page 68). When you train morally the right way, you can have a child who is emotionally balanced, intellectually assertive, and morally sensible. Our society needs as many of these people as we can get!

Teach your children to do unto others as they want done unto them. To do this, you must yourself behave this way. You must treat others with kindness. You must be honest. If you don’t get charged enough money for something, you go back and pay for it. Almost two years ago, my sister-in-law and I got up early and went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We went to a store where we quickly got our items and got in line. We then spent the next 3 hours in line, waiting for our turn to check out. If you do your math correctly, you will realize I was pregnant with my second child, Kaitlyn. My back hurt. My everything hurt. When we finally got out to the car, we realized they didn’t charge us enough for one of the movies we bought. With a sigh we went back into the store and spent another hour trying to pay back the correct amount. Needless to say, I have not shopped at that store since, but I knew what was right and I did it, though I admittedly could have done it more cheerfully .

We teach our children that other people matter. Their feelings matter. Their possessions matter. Ask your child if he wants to be treated the way he just treated someone. Think back to when you have served others. Do you feel better about yourself? I know a woman who served others in her lonliest hour. When her mother died, she made bread. She made a lot of bread and delivered it to her neighbors. She felt so much better. She had served others.

Take advantage of your child’s young years. I believe the first 8 years of your child’s life provide you with an opportunity to train that you will never again have. Teach and train your children while you are still “cool”—while you are still the center of their universe and have an influence over their every action. You child is like a young sapling in the preschool years. You can direct his growth. Don’t wait until he is a strong tree—you can’t move him then. It takes work, it takes effort, but you can do it and it is certainly worth it.

My Blog: http://babywisemom.blogspot.com/

Question:

“We’ve been trying to encourage our 18 month old daughter to use a cup at meal times but she just doesn’t seem interested.  And then no sooner does she get down from her high chair, she wants her bottle.  When will she be ready to give up the bottles?”

Answer:

If given a choice, there are some one or two year olds who would never give up their bottle :-)  after all, it’s convenient and comforting.  Drinking from a cup at 18 months is an age appropriate skill and we will assume that your daughter has the skill but prefers the bottle.

Could the question actually be “When will Dad & Mom determine that it’s time to put the bottle away and go fully to the sippy cup?” To help provide an answer to that question, one thing to keep in mind is that at this age, your toddler is receiving or should be receiving most of her nutrition from solid foods.  So, instead of formula or milk being the primary source of nutrition, make sure she has a well balanced diet, vegetables, fruits,  proteins, fats - at this age a toddler’s dairy needs include  three ½ - 1 cup servings of either milk, cheese,  yogurt. That is equivalent to 4 to 8 oz per serving.  By the way, those 3 servings of dairy don’t even need to be in the form of milk.  For instance, if you find that she prefers drinking water from a cup, and is getting the fluids she needs each day from water, she can receive her dairy servings from a couple of ounces of yogurt or cheese. Babywise Book II has a great chapter on the whole subject of mealtimes, so be sure to review that too.

• So first of all, as long as she is allowed to fill up on milk from a bottle, she’s not going to be all that anxious to finish up other things on her plate.  So by just eliminating the bottle and offering a cup of milk WITH her meals (not before), she’ll soon begin to take in more of the solids.  Then no milk between meals.  If you want to let her have a small cup of milk as a snack just before bed, that would be fine.
• If you are concerned that she’s not getting enough liquids, have a sippy cup or sport bottle of water available to her throughout the day.  It’s fine to encourage her to drink water at any time.
• Ask your medical practitioner how many ounces of liquids and solids your daughter needs for good health.  As parents, many of us tend to offer way more food to our children than they really need.  Also, don’t be surprised by this age to find she eats more at some meal times over others.  For example, she may devour her breakfast and even ask for more, then barely pick at her lunch and than have a better appetite for dinner. Each child is different, if healthy choices are offered at each meal and she eats most of the food, you see she is growing well, and developmentally where she should be - then don’t worry about the lighter meals.

Another personal suggestion: none of my kids did all that well with a sippy cup at first, but they really liked using a straw, once they figured out that something came out of it! So you might try that. If you have one who really balks at the sippy cup and it isn’t something that you view as worth battling over, Playtex has a cup called the “Quickstraw” that is great. We still have some around the house that are over 9 years old and continue to work perfectly.  Of course, there are probably other brands out there as well, Quickstraw just happens to be the one we used.

A Pre-conference Symposium was something new and seemed well received. Thursday evening was great fun and fellowship with Growing Kids leaders and alumni competing in a GK Trivia game . . . Ohio delegates did well and tied for first place.

Friday morning Joey and Carla Link, GFI National Ministry Overseers presented teaching on the three ‘Transitions” that we experience during our parenting as we move our children through the phases of parenting. This teaching gave us all things to contemplate in regards to where we are now and what we are to work toward in training our children for the future.

JOEY AND CARLA LINK TEACHING WORKSHOPS

The Ezzo’s opened the conference with joy, giving updates on the ministry-at-large. It’s helpful to see how God is furthering His kingdom through this ministry around the world.

Gary Ezzo gave two Keynote addresses during the conference – Here are some of the thoughts he shared:

1. “Holiness is a Lifestyle” – in biblical parenting it’s God’s perspective that matters! Holiness empowers! Once you’re given a glimpse of God’s unseen power elsewhere, you begin to see His power in you. Our perspective can limit God or unfold His power and blessings. Key passage Luke 6.

2. “A Look at Perspective” – Perspective should be considered since perspective can affect our Hope. Consider what is defining your thinking and influencing your perspective. God turns periods (.) into commas (,)—He’s done it many times in scripture—a wonderful example is the death of Christ–which seemed like the end–a period, but was really only a comma–then came resurrection Sunday.

Other news:

The new curriculum is underway and slated to be launched next year. It’s said to be ‘cutting edge’ to engage the new generation of parents that are seeking parenting wisdom. Training will be provided on how to best use the new material at next year’s national. Watch the GrowingKids.org website or our local GrowingKidsNEOhio.org site for conference locations and details which will be posted as they are announced.

It was an honor for us to be asked to teach two workshops. We were asked to develop a new workshop entitled “Building Character in your Children”. We also presented one we’ve taught before, with two of our children, titled “How to Teach your Children to Understand the Bible”. God taught us greatly in preparing for these presentations.

Other insightful workshops:

How to Keep your Children Pure in a World that Isn’t

Teaching your Children to be ‘Money-Wise’

Dating, Courtship and Mating – What works?

Topics of Turmoil for Typical Teens and How to Tiptoe through Them

The Key to Unlocking your Child’s Heart

AND MORE . . . sound interesting? Watch for conference details and plan to attend next summer!

One of the ongoing highlights for us personally as we attend these conferences is seeing our ‘GFI Family’ from all over the country. There’s a sweetness in fellowship with the like-minded community that we want all to experience. We hope you can be a part of this wonderful opportunity for spiritual growth and encouragement next year.

Grateful to Be - In His Service,

Don and Karen Kurtz

Photos by Amy Link

The great debate within me these days is how much to intervene in squabbles between my three older children, ages 14, 13, and 11. Now squabbles is the word that I use to publicly record the incidents that can sometimes be heard through the house. And I’ve noticed certain inflections of the voice and screaming sounds travel quickly to a mother’s ears. Not all squabbles are loud, as sometimes I witness facial gestures in the rearview mirror of the van that I wish I hadn’t. It doesn’t matter what degree of squabble I’m a witness to, I keep thinking about that responsibility monkey, and I have a hard time balancing between putting it on their shoulders and chunking it at them.

On a recent summer day I was feeling a little guilty for spending more time working on a project away from my kids than usual, so when I heard the raised voices mingled with traces of sarcasm and fear, I felt the nudge to go check out the scene unfolding in the kitchen.

Now, admittedly, I make some assumptions about a 14-year-old boy who is a foot taller than either of his sisters, known for his pestering, and a cookie dough connoisseur, like his father. If sister felt like she needed to remove the cookie dough bowl from the counter and move away from him and his hungry spoon, then I’m thinking he might’ve not practiced the principle, “ask before you reach.” Of course, this was sister’s first ever time to make the famous family cookies entirely by herself; including the clean up, I was sure. I admit to empathy for her plight to keep some of the batter for making her goal into a reality. It appears that he reached over her, she protected her bowl, and then he followed her brandishing a spoon!

After making sure the cookie batter was safe, and asking for both sides of the story,  I reminded her she could’ve deferred. In that scenario some batter wasn’t going to make it into cookies, but the bowl was very full and could indeed have been sampled. Then, I looked into the eyes of the boy/man. This is the baby who let me test every Prep and GKGW principle on him until it worked!

“Son, can you not see that she has prepared the cookie dough by herself and has a plan for it? Did you ask in your most precious family-honoring voice for a taste? Isn’t this the sister who shares most easily by nature? You have the spoon in your possession now, do you not think this implicates your chase around the kitchen, and can’t you see that you might possibly be bullying her by your size and sheer determination?”

No, that’s not what I said! However, after a reminder of his tendency to rush in, God red-flagged me and reminded me of the lesson God had been teaching me in the last few weeks…

In summary, no one’s words cut deeper nor lift me up higher than my husband’s. I have been blessed with Mr. Logical, Mr. Compassion and Mr. Romance all in one. And as strong-willed as I’ve ever been, I have the thinnest skin when it comes to his words to me. I really don’t want to admit it, but twice in the last month we have had deep “discussions” over what I thought he said about me, or what it inferred about me, or what I thought he thought about me! I want him to think the best about me, although I know that he loves me and he knows everything about me. After our last “discussion” I was reading an article that quoted one of Steven Covey’s tips, “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” OK, I recognized that:

Proverbs 15:2 (yes, right after the harsh words verse) The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the (self-confident) fool gushes folly.

The word “commends” is translated utters or useth in the KJV and the Amplified and is defined as 1) to put in the care of another, 2: to recommend, 3) to praise. No, that’s not what I do when I run in with my sword drawn ready to fight to be understood first!

Simply put, it’s not enough to learn the verses without actually trying to live them. That’s what I call a red-flag moment with God.  He pops that Truth up all the time because I’m training my children in the same things I am learning!

Back in the kitchen, in a moment of clarity, I reminded brother to consider others and to try to understand them before being understood. Seek knowledge, my son.  I admitted to him this is something I need to work on. Not an hour before he had witnessed me getting defensive over a non-Kingdom issue at the lunch table.  No kidding, I had let my son see that if you feel it’s right and no one will listen, then just move on in and say or do what you think is right in the moment so they will understand your point!  This is a picture of a self-confident fool gushing.

How much should I intervene or how should I intervene? That is the question.

It’s probably never wrong to enter a squabble with a bit of Truth. Not that basic reminders of laundry protocol will not be necessary, but because I know my children have the Spirit in them, I’m thinking He can do His work if I let Him, and stop gushing!

Oh, the wonderful teen years!

Common Questions:

Question One: Does GFI have plans to update Preparation for Parenting in the same format as the new Babyhood Transitions course?

Ans. Yes, it is being targeted for release in late 2009.

Question Two: Why is GFI splitting the Preparation for the Toddler Years into two series instead of keeping it a single curriculum as described in the Spring 2008 Newsletter?

Ans. As mentioned above we believe it is not in the best interest of parents to receive teaching that is not immediately applicable to the developmental age of their child. When considering the toddler years for example, there is an enormous developmental difference between a twelve month and thirty month old child. As a result, a single curriculum spanning a number of growth stages will always have limited benefits because not all the information is immediately relevant. Information that can not be applied because the child is past that developmental point or will not reach that phase for another year is not helpful information. GFI made the decision to divide the curriculums based on these teaching concerns.

Question Three: Will the decision to divide the new curriculums (Preparation for the Toddler Years and The Toddler Years Transitions) delay the release of either course?

Ans. Since most of the taping for the series was completed prior to the decision to split the curriculum, we do not anticipate any significant delays as a result of this change. The original release date was already pushed back several months due to equipment delivery problems outside GFI’s control. We are working to meet the revised dates which are now Late Fall of 2008.

Question Four: What is the status of the new Parenting by Principle series introduced at the 2007 National Conference?

Ans. The new series continues to receive much of our time and attention although at the time of this post we are at least six months behind schedule. Some of that time will be made up in the Fall of 2008 when the other curriculums are completed.

Question Five: Does GFI have plans to drop Growing Kids God’s Way or replace it with a new curriculum?

Ans. No. Growing Kids God’s Way has blessed millions of households and continues as a leading parenting curriculum worldwide. There is no compelling reason, nor any thought given to dropping or changing the curriculum. GFI newest releases will complement not replace GKGW.

This is the third in a series of three posts.  Earlier this week we shared the early childhood curriculum updates and changes as well as some information for leaders.